Monthly Archives: January 2014

Book: No More Mr Nice Guy

no moreAfter retelling my impressions about the thing to something around 30+ people, putting a short teaser here to make the world happier.

Target audience:

  • those considering others needs more important than theirselves(bothe male/female)
  • unhappy/sex deprived
  • just curious folks : )

The premise: 

nice guys have been conditioned by their childhoods and by society to believe that they will be successful only if they make everyone happy and never cause any problems for others. However, this desire for approval results in self-loathing. In other words, nice guys want approval, but don’t think they deserve it. This creates internal frustration, since nice guys never try to obtain what they want in life. In addition, the nice guy’s desire to obtain approval from everyone (especially women), causes him to actually behave in very un-nice ways. This includes dishonesty (about themselves) and passive-aggressive behavior (“being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through…”). (c) Wikipedia

Practical advice:

  • Hang out with people of your gender more
  • Tell the truth/act as you like even if it’s ‘unpleasant’ one
  • Satisfy your needs first(especially about sex)

My result:

  • Dramatically increased motivation/energy level
  • Improved sexual life

 

What is a family?

Recently I’ve pedaled back on a marriage proposal(I was the one to propose). I don’t feel comfortable committing to something I don’t understand. Thus I’m starting this chase for family definition.

Family is…

“… a group of people regularly eating from a same pot or around a same table”
(c) Ancient Russian population census [1]

Klaus Schneewind considers family as a group of individuals matching the following criteria:

  • Close to each other emotionally, spiritually and psychically
  • Local in space and time
  • Interpersonal intimacy, closeness
  • Long-term relationship, responsibile for each other, obligations to each other

Why would you need one?

barJust a few decades ago, family was something required by survival. Nowadays, productivity gains in most areas allow you to produce far more than you consume and fill the gaps by exchange(which is again easier in our open world). Thus,

“… a group of persons directly linked by kin connections, the adult members of which assume responsibility for caring for children”
(c) Anthony Giddens [2]

Sociologists mention the following functions of a family:

  • Reproductive – inviting new bright minds into the world
  • Kids upbringing – being around, so that our new bright minds will have more chances of absorbing some new experiences and thus shining even more
  • Householding and economical – some people don’t like to do the dishes and I do, on contrary, I’m rather weak about shopping :)
  • Recreational – recharging people intelectually and physically
  • Emotional – satisfying members needs in respect, acceptance, emotional protection and support
  • Spiritual – leaisure and spiritual growth
  • Social – basic social control, socialization and cultural enrichment
  • Sexual – you know :)

A family I was raised in followed this widely spread(in xUSSR) pattern of ‘An exploited slave’ – there’s a single working member and others just ‘love him or her’. In my family dad was the one and as I grew up, I’ve outsourced all the needs from the above to the outside world, still calling this group of people my family.

Later on I’ve replaced him for a while, supporting leisure activities, ideas and visions I don’t like. The problem, I guess was in still calling this wrong-wrong thing my family.

While CouchSurfing, I’ve discovered some pieces of a puzzle I totally loved:

  1. A girl hanging out in bars with her grandpa
  2. A guy being empowered by the knowledge of his grandpa’s teacher’s career
  3. People openly sharing their emotions with each other

Are you sure the thing you call your family really is the one worth it?

My model

I’m a doer. As the book suggests, this may well be just a symptom of not being able to be close enough to people, though good start for now. Thus family is an instrument to empower me to do more, shape the world to my desires etc.

Personality

Family starts where two creatures meet, I’d like those to match the following criteria:

  • Self-sufficient – basic boundary to make people comfortable about everything else which may be(or may be not) made part of the relationship. Opportunity to walk away just at any time is the best thing to keep thing fresh
  • Open – otherwise relationship doesn’t makes much sense for me in any way. Any venture needing orders of magnitude raise in efficiency should stick with this
  • Happy – it’s just about choosing view of the world similar to mine. I think it’s always possible to ejoy/improve any situation
  • Good companion – I would like to feel both heard and have something to listen to
  • Intelligent – just a prerequisite : )
  • Has desire for self-improvement – to be a part of my empowering environment
  • Good sex – recently I’ve discovered that’s a great indicator of all the other processes in my body and mind, I beleive that’s true for others(think Dow Jones Index for bodies)

My vision

Given the personality prerequisites, I’m building my family vision on top of that.

  • We raise kids together – that’s a great way to have a long term impact on the world, even if they’re not made of my genetic material directly. Our descendants will meet somewhere in the future anyway.
  • We trade consciously and reach agreements to empower each other to achieve more(manipulations no-no!), thus committing stuff(including time) we’d like to

– How to look after kids surfing around the world separately from your wife/husband?
– Everyone is self-sufficient, recall? Enter an agreement just in case.

The magic of relaxing your buttocks

catWhile doing my usual morning workout today, I’ve danced around my cat. She wanted some attention, but she was calm about it. What was revealing is her efficiency. She just moved into a positions where me exercising the usual way had no choice but to touch her. She was putting herself into a place where environment would fulfill the goal!

Consciously moving towards something is the act of will. Being probably the firstest thing a person should learn on their way to their excellence, on later stages, it seems, this may become an excessive energy sink, especially if you’re not stable about your emotions towards the goal.

Do you think having will power and desire to get to a cashier good enough reasoning to break through the doors on a bank holiday?

Not fighting with the environment leaves you with time and energy surplus you could spend elsewhere. And even if you think by patiently waiting for something you lower your chances X times – how many more goals you can keep tabs on? The only thing left is to alleviate pressurized perception of time.

Now I have a reason to do stuff I want, not stuff I wanted. The world’s made of joy, isn’t it?

cat_clean

Sacrifices no more. Trade consciously

I’ve sacrificed best years of my life to you (c)

I’m kind of unrequited love fan. I can fall for like 3 girls simultaneously and that feels incredibly good regardless of feedback. I’m good with working for no money. I’m ok sparing my salad without trying yours. It’s always fun to share something, especially in case you’re overwhelmed by the energetizing feelings – the more you give the more you get from within, not sure how that works.

That reminds me of sacrifice word, which is completely useless in conscious life.peace

I trade my sleep time for the opportunity to do stuff I like. Harry Potter’s mom traded her life for her son’s. I wish one day we’ll forget about sacrifices and will consciously choose what to trade, what to bring into our lifes and what to give up to make some room for that(the idea of conscious trading makes me love sales and economics of personality domains that much).

In my experience, sacrifice is only mentioned in a contexts of demand. People would like you to do something now for the stuff done in past, imposing some obligation on you. And doing something because of being obliged is not the most productive way of changing the world for the better – I decline at all or enter a new agreement giving both of us what we want.

excel

Make clear agreements, commit and excel. May the force be with you heart

You’re not able to not be able

There’s an interesting theory that you can achieve everything and the very thing preventing you from that is you. More specifically your beliefs about how the world works.

Recently, I was blessed by an opportunity to run through this with two friends of mine, thus achieving much more structured knowledge and neat illustrations from the cafe interior.

– My client wants to win a lottery and I’d like to give him that.
– So what’s the problem?
– It would be easier for me if he tried to buy a ticket

(c) fellow angels

Basis

Let’s start from the three axioms:

  • You have a goal and you think you can’t reach it
  • Every goal is reachable(esoterically: god gave you everything to reach everything you need)
  • When you can’t reach something, you’re just blinded by some beliefs

Moving forward

Six steps below will help you to move forward with your goal.

Step 1: you have a goal.

i_1

And you have yourself:

i_2

You say you can’t reach it, but in a model where there is a goal and yourself nothing else prevents you from taking the thing:

i_3

Step 2: So let’s blame something specific, your beliefs. Rethink your “I can’t” statement into something like “I can’t reach it because …”. We’ve used sugar sticks for that:

i_4

I name it beliefs, though at first they seem pretty much like reality facts. To prove the latter statement wrong, we’ll do the following.

Step 3: imagine any situation(even with low probability) in which “because” part will be wrong statement.

i_5

So you have a glimpse of idea that something may well be done about all that! Why would you want to believe in a thing which prevents you from something you want?

Step 4: answer(in writing) what’s your benefit for maintaining such a belief?

Step 5: answer, what’s your price for maintaining the belief?

Step 6: are there any suitable belief replacements maximizing your win and minimizing your loss?

Surely, speculating about all that stuff is far from achieving your goal. In a world full of naysayers, though, I value instruments giving me reason for moving this world into a better future, not for inaction.

Example

My personal experience, as usual.

  1. Goal: I’d like to stop giving my mom wild amounts of cash, so that she’ll have some incentive to take responsibility for her own life. Effective immediately.
  2. Belief: I can’t do that because she’s helpless
  3. Prove it wrong: She was responsible for her own life when she was young and did solve all the unknowns incredibly well
  4. What’s the win: I’m omiting my fear of being bad by not supporting her
  5. What’s the price: I’m blocking my mom from evolving by isolating her from feedback of her choices. I’m losing time and resources I could have used for the world. We’re all maintaining positions, not evolving
  6. Alternative belief: My mom is awesome. She can tackle that.

At the time of writing, I’m moving off my parents flat and my mom has a job.